I've changed so much...

I barely recognize myself anymore. I've been put through so much shit in the past fifteen years and my defenses are such that I feel like I've totally lost the person I was.

I refuse to even look at boys in the real world. The only way I allow myself to appreciate boys is if I see them online. There was a time when I'd wink at boys in public without hesitation. Now I'll go a block out of my way to avoid passing one on the street. That shit makes me sad.

People make me so fucking anxious that I can't stand to be around anyone. I'll go days and days without speaking. I'm a complete hermit. It's because I feel like I'm surrounded by the enemy. I am surrounded by the enemy. I refuse to make connections with people who would only reject me if they knew who I really am. It seems like a waste of time.

I wonder where I'll be ten years from now. The venom and vitriol in my heart scares me.

source: 'I've changed so much...' by 'SlickSix'; www.boychat.org/messages/1523763.htm; BoyChat; 7 February 2019