I told the judge that I consented to our relationship

Dear Sirs,

I am a 24-year-old white male who really wishes to join your organization. I firmly believe in all you stand for. I myself was shunned by society's rules and a small community's norms for acceptable behaviors. I was 13 and met a really nice 45-year-old man who really make me feel special. He liked me for what I was, not something that I could become. Sure, sex was a part of our relationship, but that wasn't the only thing. We enjoyed each others company, seeing with thought on certain topics, our ideas and our goals we both set.

Well, needless to say, my parents found out and prohibited me from seeing him anymore. They also made me file a criminal complaint on him. He went to trial and was sentenced to 5-10 years on a variety of charges in which I had no say.

I told the judge that I consented to our relationship and what went along with it. He said that I was too young to make a "mature" decision. That kind of bureaucracy is driving our young people into their shells. I'm sick and tired of all this narrow-minded thinking, and would like to change it.

Thank you for the application for membership. I will be sending it along shortly. Please respond to my letter and give me some advice on how to, or how I should voice my opinion.

Sincerely,
Bill

Mike Van Houten replies: As someone who has gone through the system because of a boy's testimony, maybe I am not as objective as I should be, but I feel a need to reply. Many of those around you, including your lover, share some responsibility for this tragedy. Your lover should have better prepared you for the possibility of a run-in with the law. But you may feel that a part of the blame does rest on you. If you are not in touch with him, I think you should try to renew contact, if only to say how bad you feel about what happened back then. I can't tell you how much a similar contact would mean to me.

Although, at that time, the judge thought you not old enough to make your own decisions, you were then and are now, and a meeting to express your total disgust with his meddling attitude would be appropriate. (He'd likely expect you to fall all over him in praise and gratitude.) That may go for cops, social workers and parents, too. I wouldn't bring along a bunch of Bulletins or talk philosophy - just lay it out as to how they messed up your life. These people justify their actions by believing you would thank them later; cursing them instead may shake up a few of their wrongheaded ideas. As "victim", you have a rare opportunity to at least get your foot into the door, and on a personal level regain some of the control lost during that period in your life.

You were sexually "molested" - by the system - and can use some of the same methods of healing that the "victimologists" recommend to their clients. That includes confronting your victimizers and re-taking control, but also not heaping blame on yourself. And don't forget the good times you had together. I'm sure your old lover hasn't.

source: Incoming letter by Bill; With a reply from Mike Van Houten; Nambla Bulletin, vol. 12, no. 8, October 1991