My unattainable admirers

By: K.P.

If I Only Had Known at the Time...

I could slap my own face now. I'll probably won't get such a chance ever again. Cross out the probably right away, actually. Just: never again. By the way, you hear older people say more frequently, 'If I had known at the time what I know now...' However old geezerish this may sound, it goes without any doubt for my secondary school years. When I was fifteen, I regularly fell madly in love with somewhat younger, beautiful boys at school. It is not that I ever dared declare my love to them! But this silent being in love had a certain charm too. I knew exactly in which classrooms and at which hours and on which days such a boy had lessons, so that I could see him in between lessons for a moment, even though I needed to scour the entire school.

Dolf
I remember in particular a beautiful boy, called Dolf, who was at a boarding school. To me he was unattainable, because he hung around with a small group of other boys from this boarding school, and I did not know any of them. I adored his beauty in silence for a long time by walking along all the classrooms at school where he had lessons. Until he had pimples. That decreased it a bit. Anyway, everyone will recognize this silent being in love, and it is not what I mean by 'if I had known at the time...' When I was a bit older, around my eighteenth, I was really a rather popular hunk at school. I was good at sports and making music, I was 'socially skilled' and as a result of that I knew almost all the students at school. I even found good favour with the girls. They must have asked themselves once or twice why I liked them, but never went for any of them. Boys from the lower forms at secondary school often look up to somewhat older boys. I still remember from these days that, when you are fourteen, a boy who is two years older looks sóóó much bigger and older than you. Thus it happened that the younger boys looked up to me too and I liked letting them admire me, of course. And it is this period in my life that I look back to with much regret. 'If I had known at the time...' The big 'but' which made all the difference, was the fact that nobody at school wants to be known as a gay person and I did not remotely know how to start carrying on things which have to do with sex with these lovely fourteen-year-old boys, without becoming known as a homo.

Robbie
One of my biggest fans and, at the same time, the most beautiful boy I have ever been friends with, was Robbie. He had long, wavy hair, as white as a sheet, and a beautiful, somewhat dark skin. It was a pleasure only to watch him and especially to take him on the back of my moped, for then he was sitting so nice and close to me. He was sweet and modest and liked being with me terribly much. I really do not need to explain that this last thing was completely mutual. God, I really was in love with this boy. And in the meantime just playing the hetero. Unfortunately, Robbie was rather naive and had little or no interest in things which have to do with sex. I did not have the faintest idea how to start carrying on with him. Later I heard that, when he was small, he had been lured and assaulted, and that probably explained why he was so physically reluctant. Still, it was a great pleasure to just be around him.

Mark
Mark went to the same school as I did as well. He was not as handsome as Robbie, but Mark had an incredible sex appeal. That happens once or twice, those boys who are not exceptionally beautiful, but are somehow much more attractive than boys, who are more handsome. As a matter of fact, Mark also lived down the same street as I and I regularly saw him in the local square. But what are you supposed to do there? Hetero behaviour is the standard and you don't want to have a reputation in the neighbourhood either. (Or did I have it all the same?) Mark liked to play around, so we did a lot of tumbling. To me it was a nice alternative to sex. While playing around, you can touch each other rather intimately, isn't it? Oh, you knew that too? By the way, as for Mark, I have tried to approach him once, but, in retrospect, in such a stupid way that I'm still fed up with it. Mark was not exactly at a loss about it, fortunately. By the way, I saw him at the grocer's lately and, despite his probably being over thirty now, he still had the same erotic aura. Too old now, but it brought back some nice memories.

Bart
I have never seen Bart after school anymore. He was a friend of Mark's and that's how I knew him well too. He was in the second form and a real sixties character. He liked to smoke hash, had a big head of hair and did not care about anything. He did not have a father at home anymore and was left very free by his mother. That is always very convenient, of course, if you want a relationship with a younger boy, for without fathers they are often less housebound. Besides, it concerned a specimen here with a beautiful figure and always in tight jeans. Besides being very attractive, Bart was very sweet too. He loved having long conversations about all kinds of subjects and he liked to be around me. Bart thought it highly interesting to go out with me. I already did this on a regular basis when I was eighteen and could show him some pubs in town. Only when I left school, I felt more free and could get through to him further. Slowly, but surely, we became more intimate, but for one reason or another I have never seen him again after that. I really forgot why, but I still find it a terrible pity.

Daan
Daan was a friend of Bart's and I had also contact with him every now and then. He was very macho, fourteen and beautiful too. This last thing is becoming monotonous, but it was just the way it was: I managed exactly to become friends with the beautiful boys and their beautiful little friends over and over again. Daan liked to sit on the back of my moped and I equally liked giving him driving lessons. He was very spontaneous and nice company. A real sportsboy too. Of all those friends I had at school, he was the only one I ended with in making love. He had come round with Bart on a Saturday night. We drank a little and there was a bit of challenging. Fortunately, I was home alone, for as a schoolboy you do not often have privacy in your parental home. Bart had another appointment later that evening and, much to my pleasure, Daan stayed with me. He was fifteen at the time and knew exactly what he wanted. And these macho hetero boys always prove to land up in your bed most easily again and again. He just wanted to go through it. I too, actually. After that it never happened again, but I still see Daan once in a while. He manages a bar in a village in the neighbourhood and I sometimes have a beer there. We never talked about it again, but I can notice that he never regretted it.

That evening with Daan was the only really physical contact I had with my secondary school fans. I was not as crazy about him as I was about Robbie, Mark and Bart, but it certainly was worth the experience. If I only were allowed to be eighteen again and to know what I know now. When I think back of these boys looking up to me, and how close I was to them, I am convinced that I could have got off with all of them. Besides, their parents did not find it suspicious at all that I was constantly hanging around them: I was just a slightly older friend. But I had no idea how to shape my being in love.

source: Article 'My Unattainable Admirers'; OK Magazine, no. 45; November 1993