Out of the closet: Marthijn Uittenbogaard
Oegstgeest, June 18, 2003
My mother and both families had to persuade my father to get married. The marriage eventually took place, after my oldest brother’s birth. The marriage was, and is far from perfect, but they are still holding on to it.
And now about myself:
As a child I was very quiet, never saying much at school. My brothers and my sister had a similar problem, one more than the others. From the three, I had most contact with my sister, and right now we still have a very good relationship with each other. My relations with my brothers were and are always more aloof. I have very good memories about my grandmother; she was a very nice woman, just like a grandmother should be. She always said that I was very kind (to my sister), so its strange, that regarding public opinion I should be considered a monster nowadays.
During elementary school I had one friend that I used to play with, all of the time. There were no sex games between the two of us, but I did (of course) fantasize about sex. In my fantasies there were boys of my own age (not my school friend though), and a girl that looks boyish (to me now, in an old school photo). I also fantasized about sex with grown-up men. What sex meant, I didn't precisely know, but growing up, the picture became more and more coloured. I hoped for a contact with a nice man, but his looks were not of much importance. What I wanted was to give him sexual pleasure. Sex is an interaction; you can also get pleasure when you give pleasure to your partner. It was a pity that I never met a "sexual predator".
When I was twelve, I moved to a town called Oegstgeest, Jan Wolkers-town. Jan is a famous Dutch writer who was born in Oegstgeest. I did not move very far, as the farm was very near Oegstgeest, the town of Leiden annexed the territory years ago. When I was around twenty-five, I began to live alone in a row-house in Leiden, just outside the city centre. I still live here today.
My first sexual contacts came rather late. In my opinion, society has made those contacts much too difficult. There were certainly men in for sex with me, but you can't just ask strangers in the street for it. Is this the reason that people are so afraid of the internet? When I was seventeen, I had my first sexual experience. During my life I've had sex with boys my age and with men who are older then me. I used to have a "lat"-relation with someone who was sixteen years older than me. Lat stands for living-apart-together. The man was ex-married, with two children, and from the beginning he knew about my sexual feelings for (although not exclusively for) children. Alas after years, I was dumped (or that's the way it felt). He fell in love with a younger lad (luckily, this relation didn't last for long (grudge?)). I kept in contact with his children, but not so intensively as before (and by the way, I didn't have sex with them). His son, who is almost officially an adult, stays now and then with me in Leiden.
I also have contact with his daughter, via the internet. She now lives with her father, and his son is back with his mother. The son dresses alternatively, and he is luckily not someone who always agrees with the leading opinions; he has his own mind and will. I'm not going to reveal any more about them, because of privacy reasons.
For the last two years, I haven't really been searching for a life relationship. I'm 'looking the cat out of the tree', as we say in The Netherlands, meaning something like, 'I'll just see what comes my way'.
Now my vision about the future:
I hope that people will think more independently so that they don’t take opinions for granted (just because most people share those opinions). You should always keep thinking for yourself, and searching for the facts. A fact is - for instance that feelings can be wrong. Just think about the enormous disgust most people had thinking of homosexuality not so many years ago. If people explore their own sexuality, then not only is it better for those people, but also for others who are currently rejected for their feelings. A girl that is used to masturbation, from an early age, finds out what she likes, this way. She can also fantasize about anything she likes during masturbation. If she doesn't masturbate, and goes to bed one day, with a boy, the sexual experience can be very disappointing and painful, for not knowing what turns her on, et cetera. Sex can then easily become a necessary evil, many women have experienced this, but it isn't necessary. That's one of the many reasons why I'm in favour of openness about sexuality amongst children. Why not show them all of what’s possible on a DVD? At schools, more attention should definitely be given to sexuality, in every classroom; lessons about sex, sexual history, feelings, relationships et cetera. This way, fear over sexuality will be largely reduced. When people are collectively less fearful, they are also friendlier to one another.
With the MARTIJN Association (for acceptance of paedophilia), I'm trying to help the world step forward a little. I'm very aware that the problem is much bigger than the narrow and fearful subject of paedophilia.
Let us join hands to lead society's evolution, in a positive direction. If not a slow evolution, then sooner or later a (second sexual) revolution will take place. An evolution (in the good direction) is always better, because by every little step you can see if there are bad consequences which can be changed positively. Also, the whole society - including the older people among us can keep this up. During the days of the first sexual revolution there was almost no attention paid to negative sexual behaviours, such as sexual abuse. The bill for this mistake was presented to society later.
source: 'Out of the Closet #2' by Marthijn Uittenbogaard; Translated from Dutch; Proofread and corrected by: Daniel; OK Magazine, no. 87; October 2003